वो जिसकी कमी है !

वो जिसकी कमी है !

कुछ  ऐसा महसूस होता है जैसे कि कुछ कम सा  है.   हर पल, हर लम्हा।  ऐसा  लगता  है जैसे कि मैं  अकेला हूँ; किसी कि तलाश है और वो मिल नही रहा।  हर जगह, हर पल मैं उसे ही  ढुढता  रह्ता हूँ। जहाँ   जाता  हूँ , लगता है , काश  वो यहाँ  मिल जाए।  हर अन्जान चेहरे  मे उसे पहचानाने कि कोशिश करता  हूँ।  लेकिन वो  मिलती ही नहीं। 

कई बार मैं स्वयं किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़  हो जाता  हूँ कि मुझे ऐसे  अकेलेपन का एहसास क्यों ही होता है?  इतने सारे लोग है आस  पास; मेरे साथ हैं ; माँ , पापा , भाई , बहन , रिश्तेदार ,दोस्त, सहकर्मी।  फिर भी ऐसा  क्यों  लगता है कि कुछ  कम है ? बस वो नहीं  है जिसकी कमी है।  

जाने  कितने दिनों  से उसे ढुढ रहा हूँ , मुझे स्वयं नहीं पता।  शायद, जब से होश सम्भाला है, तबसे।  तबसे तलाश है भगवान के उस  आशीर्वाद की , खुदा कि उस नियामत की , जो कि मेरा अभिन्न हिस्सा  बन सके।  कभी ऐसा एहसास  होता  है कि जैसे वो शायद कभी मेरे जीवन मे आई  थी , परन्तु मुझसे पहचानने मे चूक हो गई।  शायद मैं उसे पहचान  नहीं पाया या फिर जब कभी वो मेरे सामने थी वो समय का प्रसंग नहीं था। 

समय व उम्र  के साथ मेरी अपेक्षाएं भी बढ़ गयीं हैं। मुझे कोई भी ऐसॆ  ही निरुद्देश्य पसंद  नहीं आए; बचपन की बात कुछ अलग थी।  किसी ऐसे की तलाश है जो हर पल के लिए अभिन्न हो ; ऐसा  जिसकी पसंद मैं  हूँ।  वो मुझे पसन्द करे एक व्यक्तित्व की तरह। एसा कुछ कि मैं उस पर आँख मुन्द कर भरोसा कर सकूँ ; ऐसा  कि उसे मैं  वो भावनायें बेबाक्  व्यक्त कर सकूँ  जो उसके लिए इतने वर्षो से अपने हृदय मे छिपा कर रखा  है।  ऐसा कि यदि मैं  अपनी जज्बातों को अनियन्त्रित छोड़  दूँ  तो उसके जज्बातों मे तल्लीन हो जाएँ, सब कुछ उसे सौंप दूँ और मुझे एक  बार तनिक भी संकोच  ना हो ।    
  
इतने दिनों  से उसे हर पल , हर जगह , हर चेहेरे मे खोजता रहा हूँ।  एक बार  को ये लगता है कि कहीं वो है भी या नहीं? या कहीं दूर है वो , और मैं गलत स्थान पर खोज रहा  हूँ। पता नहीं ये खोज कब खत्म होगी; कभी कभी ऐसा प्रतीत होता है जैसे मैं थक गया हूँ , और कितना खोजुं ;अब बहुत हो गया।  परन्तु मेरी प्रवृत्ति ऐसी नहीं है शायद ; शायद मैं यूँ हीं  बैठ के ना  ही हार मान सकता हूँ ; ना  ही समय के बहाव के साथ बह सकता हूँ। 

शायद इसिलिए एक बार मैं फ़िर उठ खड़ा होता हूँ , इस उम्मीद मे कि कहीं किसी मोड़ पर एक दिन एक मुस्कराता चेहरा मुझे मिल जाएगा  और  बोलेगा  "सबके बीच किसे खोज रहे थे ? मैं यहाँ तुम्हारा इन्तजार कर रही थी।  चलो मेरा हाथ  थामो। "

मैं एक बार फ़िर किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़ हो जाता हूँ , कि मैं उसका जल्दी से हाथ थाम लूँ या उसे  पहले गले लगा लूँ। 

Sabotage

It was 1:53 am in morning. Ankur returned to his hostel room after a full hectic day with busy schedule. He murmured “disgusting state of affairs" and then sighed to relax and recompose himself. He placed his blazer back to his wardrobe. The day was another day matching to trends with his past placement days, when this lucky blazer of his didn’t fetch anything for him. He was trying to assess what exactly he is, is he worth of anything, any commendable qualities, professional adroitness etc. Things have gone in such a manner that forced him to think that way. He never imagined himself losing at anything.

 

 

He was never introspective upto this length, nor were his days earlier. He plunged himself into bed and went just 2 years back, when he was celebrating for getting selected at one of top B schools. He had been trying really very hard to prepare for entrances. In spite of his busy schedule consuming 2/3 of his every day, he used to glean some moments from rest of the time to study. Really it was tough to maintain the balance, but he managed it. Finally, the devotion paid him off. He was feeling at cloud 9 on joining the B school.

 

At B school, he was one of those few who cracked the campus interviews within first month of joining. It was one of the most glamorous bank, most of the people were eying for. He snatched his share from 45 odd applicants, who applied for it.

 

Well, economy too had some taste for curves. She went on experimenting with the U curve. The whole world economy went into deep red and several financial institutions collapsed. Millions lost their job and there were no takers for graduates. All regular recruiters refused to visit to campus, while some went bankrupt. When he had left job, he had dreamt of a profile with higher brand and double salary. However, situations hinted that he may not be able to get what he had left 2 years earlier.

 

Suddenly, a ray of hope came in form of a PSU. In spite of the recession and its performance, it was still on recruiting mode; acting as life line of many. He calculated to find that the salary was some 1500 bucks lower that his first salary 5 years ago. He was not sure, if to apply. He was helpless too. He was trying to coin the appropriate term for it. Only "Sabotage" stroke to his mind.

 

He decided to apply and changed his mind set for the drastic changes in his career with the PSU and the profile. He prepared seriously and performed well at panel interviews. Answered all questions impromptu and created a spell before the panel. He was feeling a sense of achievement now and expecting his name on the final rolls. Out of the profiles, he applied for, only he was able to steer the interview in his own way.

 

Finally, results were announced. His heart was not beating fast. He was cool, calm, composed and comfortable to hear his name. Again, he was not taht lucky, A jerk was wasiting him ahead. The company had decided to fill the vacancy for specific societal castes only. So, they had decided to proceed with them only. Ankur was not able to grasp the logic of the trail of events. Now he was searching for the new term to define the whole situation.......sabotage was not sufficient.

 

 

 

 

One cold , dark foggy winter night of January: mistakes lead the way

It was a nice trip to Bokaro steel city. I had gone to see one of my super-seniors of engineering college days. He had been his own type of bond of those old days. Now he was married and well settled, holding the AGM post at SAIL. But still old habits die hard. Still he has been a great fan of drinks. And so was the theme of our get together.

He has invited me to share some fine wine imported from Australia and original fosters beer. It was a  2 days’ stint and went over smoothly.  I didn’t even notice how the time flew. My watch was displaying 18:35, it was time for my train’s departure. Alok sir, was once again there at railway station with me, this time to see me off.

The train got off the hook and moved on. I had full 7 hours to go. The arrival time was 01:35 in morning. The approximately time to doze off  on normal days. I did  some usual train time pass stuffs e.g.  reading, goofing around, listening songs etc. At 22:30 took my dinner  and felt like lazy. It was still 3 more hours to go. Sleeping for next 3 hours was not a bad idea. I set up the mobile alarm at 01:30 and simply lied down. It was a safe bet considering arrival time of 1:30, 10 minutes of stoppage and record pf running late by 15-30 mins daily. I dozed off.

Suddenly, I got up by a cacophonous sound. It was the rooster inside my cellphone, which was croaking for last 10 minutes. It was 1:40. I jumped out of my upper Berth to look out of the window. Thanks God, Train was moving at a slow pace and a lot of light was visible outside, clearly indicating some station. I was sure, it must be Kharagpur. I saw from another side of the window, the well known platform was clearly visible to me. Largest in Asia. I was amazed and happy at the same time. What a great coincidence and a perfect time match. I had optimized everything, maximized my sleeping time, and implemented JIT for getting off the train. I appraised myself, “that’s usual of you, a perfect process manager, optimization everywhere”. I didn’t gave a secind thought if this optimization was a result of chance. ;-)

 So, it was the time to wrap the things up. I got on the berth again, and collected all my belongings, and got down. What a shit!!! I was shocked to see, all those glittery lights from yellow vapour lamps have disappeared. Train has sped up too. What I can see now, was only the darkness, making me blind. I was shocked to see myself in such situation. It took me another five minutes to understand what has actually happened to me. I could have done a quicker wrap up and got off the train with shoes in hand. But I chose another way; it was second mistake of the night, after making that safe bet.

And, now, it was the time for the third mistake. I checked the time table on my E51 GPRS. The very next train in reverse direction would drop me Kharagpur at 230. It was Puri passenger. I decided to get down at next station and board that train. However, the next station this train wuld halt was not known to me. It was already 0200 now. I could have resumed on my berth till Howrah and completed the sleep at least. Sooner my berth was taken by someone else sans space and that was lost. Now I was standing in the train with my baggage, waiting the train to stop. Suddenly I saw a train crossing on the opposite track. Oh God ! That must be the only train at this odd time. Puri passenger had been missed, before my train reached to next station. Finally, it stopped at Panskura. It was 2:30 now. And don’t know why, I stepped down. Should I term it as a mistake? The external environment was not welcoming and was extremely surly at this time. It was bitter cold and dense cover of fog. Nothing was visible beyond 100 metres. Station platform stood deserted. Not even a dog was visible.

I thought to get the tickets first for the reverse journey. I started walking towards the admin block of the railway station. While I was approaching the over bridge, I saw first sign of life by the way. A lady along with a kid was sitting on one of the chairs. Perhaps they belonged to the humble community who still don’t have a roof to cover themselves. They didn’t have proper clothes either; they were just trying to comfort themselves in that dark foggy night and chilly winds. The kid was relatively in jovial mood, inspite of the mother’s warning he was roaming and playing pranks with her.

 At length , I landed to the stuffed booking counter complex. I was relaxed to see a lot of living creatures here. Assorted!! What a great scene was this. I can see, the ambient temperature was fairly warm. A lot of people were sleeping in full peace. Some stray animals have got their share of space and comfort too. I sifted through the schedules; next train was an EMU from Howrah to Medinipur and urged me to wait for next 2 hours. I had no other way; ball was not in my court after making that safe bet. I proceed to the counter. The clerk too was enjoying this warmth amidst the nippy winter. He was enjoying the relaxation uninterrupted by snores of his fellow clerk. I was deterred, if I would be able to snap his sleep. Anyhow, some 10 knocks, brought him back to business. I was happy to see a smile on his face rather the annoyance or phrase like “hobe na”

He confirmed my waiting time stretch and handed my ticket. I came back to platform as it had space to accommodate me. However, I had to face the extremity of the pitiless weather. I tried to comfort myself laying on a bench. It was hard to stay there as it was conducting heat from my body towards itself. I remained in the position for some 5 minutes till I realized that I can’t afford to lose more heat. I started roaming around the platform. Trains were passing by, still no sign of life. All of them were goods train. The trains seems like a long, black, thick creeping snake, emerging from one side of darkness and disappearing into another. The fog has forced the snake to creep like a snail.

It was 3:38 now, still platform seem to be deserted. There were no takers for the seats. Some10 minutes later, suddenly movement was visible. Anchor too has waked up. He announced the schedule of two trains. One train originating from this station to Howrah, next one was mine. The Howrah bound train left the place almost empty, except for some vegetable and fish vendors. Rest preferred to stay balmy at home.

At long last, wait was over. I saw a passenger train pulled in. Slowly. Empty. I got inside and took a sit. Next 1 hour was meant for relaxation or to cover up a fraction of the lost night’s sleep. But I was not in a position to make another safe bet. Tried to doze off, but couldn’t. I recalled my friend Sudoku to provide me with company. The Train moved on. However, the performance was not optimal. It was still pondering like a buffalo. Seemed paralysed by frosty winds and mist.  Signals and tracks were not clearly visible and Indian railways were taking some innovative, non-technical ways to operate the trains in these conditions. What I could hear was some whistle sounds arising out of Schwarz black outside, at regular intervals, substituting the visual signals. At six the train dropped me at Kharagpur. Alas, late by almost an hour, but I was satisfied to land this time! The place which I had missed some 5 hours back; cost that I paid was obvious to me now. Sun was yet to give any clue of is presence. But for me, this cold night has concluded!